Tired of Feeling Lost?

Discernment

My grandparent’s dinner table holds one of my fondest memories from childhood. Every Christmas Eve my Grandpa Estock held two small plates – one with slices of garlic and the other with a generous glob of honey. He would stand beside each of us and gently say, “Dip this garlic in the honey and eat it to help you remember the love around this table. So if you ever get lost in the woods you will be able to find your way home.” I have continued this tradition in my own home on Christmas Eve, well aware of all the times in my life that I have felt lost and was able to find my way home.

If there were ever a time that we need my grandfather’s garlic and honey remedy it is now!

Our being lost shows up in our exhaustion, anxiety, grief, frustration, and anger. We are so done with this pandemic and the many ways our lives continue to be tossed by the sea of uncertainty. We long for stability and yet wonder when the next covid surge will come.

It is time to find our way home. But where exactly is that and how do we get there?

The home of which I speak is a quality of deep trust where, as Julian of Norwich said, “All is well, and all manner of things shall be well.” It is being aware that this one precious life is being lived through us. It is an experience of constant wonder and delight with the unfolding of life itself – even the messy parts. When we find our true selves – loved, loveable and loving – and feel our connection with all creatures great and small, we are home.

When we find our true home, time slows down with a sense of spacious delight. We begin to notice beauty in the most unlikely places. We open to compassion for ourselves and others. We are able to sit with messiness and grow wise by it. We open to our innate wisdom and trust in its guidance. In short it is when we seek justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with Love.

There is an ancient practice, called Discernment that helps us to find our way home. This practice looks more like a labyrinth than a straight line, but eventually you find yourself in the heart of it all – grounded, connected, confident, and whole.

If you are longing to find your way home, I invite you to take this journey of discernment with me during the Season of Lent. You can find out more HERE.

Because we all know, there is no place like home….

Saving the Day

The other day I generously let my daughter use my home office for several of her zoom work calls. I was fine working in the living room until I realized that my computer was running out of power and my cord was still plugged in on my office desk.

I gingerly walked to the edge of the French doors of my office and peeked in. My daughter was at my desk in the middle of a heated conversation with a screen full of faces on her computer. And to the other side of her I could see my power cord.

I weighed my options and decided my best way in would be on my hands and knees. Surely, I thought, no one will see me crawl into my office and maneuver myself behind her as I reach up onto the desk and pull my power cord out of the plug.

Crawling in, she did not even turn her head. I thought, “Yes, I can do this!” I crawled behind her, reached up for my cord and made some noise as I pulled it out. I looked up at her to see her reaction. Luckily, she was still engaged in the conversation. Feeling triumphant, I crawled back out and shut the door behind me.

Celebrating our Foolishness

I chuckled to myself as I went back to my computer. The sight I must have been – a 50 something mom crawling on her knees like a little kid sneaking sweets from the pantry. I really felt like I had gotten away with something!

It was only later in the day that my daughter showed me some of the emails that she had received from the people on the call.
One colleague wrote, “I wanted to say that whoever it was in your home that made an appearance in the Zoom meeting should be notified that they saved a meeting that was spiraling out of control towards train wreck status. She sure alleviated everyone’s spirits. I know that I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Lol Please send my thanks her way!”

Moral of the story: Sometimes our biggest fear of making a fool out of ourselves may be the best gift we can offer our team or our daughter’s team! After all, life is too serious to be taken seriously. # bethehero #foolsforthewin

How to Navigate as Leaders Through the Unknown

navigating through the rapids of the unknown as leaders

On February 13th I began my odyssey with Covid19 after returning home from a trip to Asia. Even though I never could get tested, I had the symptoms and decided to self-quarantine. At that time my family as well as the county health department thought I had gone over the deep end viewing my concern through the lens of panic. My reframe at the time was, “I am not panicked, I am trying to be realistic and responsible.” But since I was such an early case in the United States, I felt misunderstood and alone. As I tracked my illness along with my internalized anxiety, I had lots of time to think about what might be needed in order to navigate as leaders through the unknown.

The unknown of the pandemic has the contours of rapidly changing information on a global scale, economic uncertainty, job insecurity, an overwhelmed healthcare system and anxiety over our own health as well as our families. Rapid change is washing over us in waves to the point where it is difficult to catch our breath, let alone orient ourselves.

On a personal note, I can honestly say, I have never experienced this level of fear or anxiety in my life. I was sick with an undiagnosed virus and did not know what would happen to me nor how long I would be contagious. I feared giving it to my 83 year old mother with a compromised immune system. I was frustrated knowing that I could not protect the ones that I love the most.

Survival Instincts

Our natural inclinations to keep that anxiety at bay is to take one of three actions – pretend that nothing is wrong, distract ourselves with inconsequential matters, or fight our way through the system. I watched myself do all three depending on the situation. This is a normal part of our survival response – flight, fight or freeze.

If that is a little glimpse of what might be happening with each one of us as we face this pandemic, it is also happening on a collective level. What I have noticed with organizations who are operating from anxiety is that their underlying fear prevents them from making pro-active and healthy decisions for the future.

When we let fear have its way, we close off to novel solutions and new possibilities. I have watched this over and over again with my consulting work in organizations. The difference in this pandemic is that more businesses on an exponential scale will be facing their potential demise. As leaders, if we let fear have its way, we will not be able to creatively lead our organizations through this.

Resiliency?

One key word that people like to throw around in leadership circles these days is resiliency. It is the capacity to recover quickly from challenges and difficulties. A plastic band is resilient as it springs back into its original shape after it has been stretched. Maybe being resilient is a stretch in our daily lives, but I think it is too tame when we need to navigate as leaders through the unknown.

Transformation

Much like The Odyssey, we are embarking on a journey that will forever change us both personally and collectively. When those survival instincts show up, our move as leaders needs to be counterintuitive. Instead of operating out of our flight, fright or freeze reactions, we need to be able to access our creative capacities and work together on innovative solutions. The more we try to resist, the more we will struggle and the longer it will take to find our way.

So how do we navigate as leaders through the unknown? We grow our capacities for honest self reflection and courageously accept our own discomfort. We become aware of our own patterned responses in the face of fear so that we can respond proactively instead of reactively. Finally we develop the capacity to relax into that unknown with a sense of curiosity and openness. In essence, this is the journey of transformation.

Here are moves we can make to navigate as leaders through the unknown.

Develop a practice that centers you.

Every morning ask yourself, what do I need today to take care of me? It could be an exercise routine, an extra cup of coffee, journaling or a walk outside. It is important that you take the time to pause and listen. You have tremendous wisdom that can be accessed if you take the time to listen. Try a short and simple breathing practice like this.

Open your heart

Acknowledge your uncomfortable feelings with compassion.When you communicate from a place of honesty and vulnerability people listen with respect. Afterall, we have never been through a pandemic before. All of our emotions can be, as Rumi says, “guides from beyond” that can be a source of intelligence as we discern what is ours to do.

Trust that you are not alone.

Love is holding you and supporting you to step out in faith. You’ve got this! Allow that love to settle in your bones so that regardless of the chaos, you can relax into what you know is yours to do as well as not to do.

Look for beauty and laugh often.

Open to wonder in the simple things like a smile, a sunrise, birdsong, or a great show on Netflix. This is good medicine for both our mental and physical health as it relieves stress and builds up natural immunity. Plus, life is just so much more full when we can look on the bright side of life at least once a day.

Be Kind.

There are many moving parts with lots of different people trying to deal with circumstances the best way they know how. Therefore, extending compassion to others is extremely important. In this new pandemic dance we will be bumping into each other and stepping on toes. Don’t take it personally.

Take a balcony perspective.

Look around you and map out the trends to capture a bigger picture. See what you can learn from other areas that are experiencing this pandemic a few weeks ahead of you. Then map out how you can build your organization’s capacity to meet that new life condition that is coming your way.

Accept that things will get worse before they get better.

This is not a situation to fend off; rather, this is a reality to navigate through. If we rationally plan for the worst, we can then hope for the best. And at the same time remember what Winston Churchill said during WWII, “If you are going through hell, don’t stop; keep going.”

Ride the waves of the changing conditions.

Let go of trying to maintain some sort of idealized status quo. Instead of defending the gate entitled, “We have never done this before,” hop on a raft. Imagine you are floating down a river with some gnarly rapids. Put on your life jacket, pick up a paddle, and row with your team. Look for the new opportunities that come along the way. Send It!

Act on behalf of the common good.

People are looking to you to set a caring example. Be a good neighbor by adhering to the CDC protocols. Ask what you and your organization can do to help alleviate the suffering of others who are facing illness, job loss or homelessness. After all, we are all in this together.

If we focus on these essentials, we will arrive back where we started at the end of this pandemic odyssey never to be the same again – wiser, more connected, and confident in our capacity to lead through any adversity with creativity. Our transformation awaits.

Are You Enough?

Why is it that what leaders most desire in their professional life can seem so elusive?

As I work with gifted leaders around the country I have noticed a reoccurring theme. Leaders want to flourish in both their professional and personal lives.  For some that means make a lasting difference as they align with their gifts and lead out of their passion. For others it is creating high functioning teams, mentoring other leaders or getting that next promotion. At the same time, they long to have a life-giving balance between their work and private lives. They want to come home energized to engage in family life with the capacity to relax and enjoy life’s simple pleasures without bringing the stress of their work home.

As we dig deeper into their source of frustration around not being able to achieve this, we end up uncovering a set of beliefs that keep them over-functioning, out of balance and teetering on burnout.  To the outsider they may appear to be at the top of their game, but in reality they are suffering silently.

Looking at our underlying beliefs

The internal messages that keep them on this burnout cycle coalesce around these beliefs.

  • “If I don’t do it, it won’t get done to my standards.”
  • “As long as I excel in my work load, I will be looked upon as being a successful leader.”
  • “If I don’t do what is expected of me, I will be ostracized.”
  • “If I take a risk and fail, I will be perceived as a failure.”
  • “As long as I am successful I will belong.”

Sit with that sinking feeling of constantly having to prove your worth by what you produce.

It may be difficult for some of us to locate that pain since we have done a damn good job of performing our way into the rush of adrenaline success.  But if you are waking up in the middle of the night with a constant to-do list or if you find it difficult to relax without self-medicating on food, booze or Netflix then you may want to take a deep breath and follow your curiosity to something deeper than performance adrenaline.

Can you recall a time when you acted out of a belief that if you didn’t succeed at (fill in the blank) you will be exposed as unworthy and looked upon as lacking? Can you remember a time when you over-functioned in your job, catering to the perceived needs of others while losing sight of your own needs?

Making Connections

Locate where you feel that tension in your body. It could be a tightening of the chest or a heavy feeling in your stomach. Some have described it as a flutter of anxiety in the belly.

This is the embodied feeling of shame – that sense of dread that wakes us up in the middle of the night. Brene Brown, in her research on shame, says that as humans all of us struggle with these feelings. Shame believes that there is something inherently wrong with us. It keeps us focused on constantly proving our worthiness by what we do. Shame whispers, “You are not enough. You don’t belong.”  Shame is such an uncomfortable feeling that we will do anything to get rid of it.

Hence, we simply double down on what provides us a little bit of relief – more doing, performing, over-functioning etc.  We return to the same behaviors that keep us teetering on the brink of burnout. Instead of focusing on what deeply matters to us we end up frenetically doing what we think is expected of us. More often than not, we settle into counting the years until we can retire.

However, flourishing is not a fantasy. Each one of us is capable of living our lives to the fullest. But it takes a willingness to sit in our discomfort and reflect upon our ways of being in the world.

The Counter Intuitive Move

My clients have discovered their own unique ways to step off the hamster wheel of unworthiness. And it is always begins with a counterintuitive move. Instead of focusing outward on winning the esteem of others by doing more, they begin to focus inward resting on the truth of who they are. They begin to look with compassion upon themselves and honor their sacred worth. They discover that those messages of not being enough come from the voice of their false self – a construct of their personalities that no longer serves how they want to show up in the world.

The truth is that we are enough and we do belong.  Can you imagine living out of this truth? How would we show up at work and at home if we embodied the truth of our worthiness? I have a hunch that if we listened to our innate wisdom we could lead with courage, even in the midst of chaos and drama,  and trust that we have all that we need and it is more than enough.

Collected Discoveries

Work with Beth Estock Leadership Coach

I wasn’t surprised when I found out that one of my strengths according to Strengths Finder 2.0 is my knack for collecting information. Strengths Finders calls it “Input”. What I have come to realize is that this passion for learning new things really comes alive when I can share my joy with others.

So it is in that spirit that I offer you my recent discoveries. I hope to be offering these a few times a year as I collect awesome information that is worthy of sharing. I hope that this collection brings you joy and refreshment!

Drum roll please…

In the Category of Books

Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. by Brene Brown.

This book is helpful for leaders who are trying to create brave working environments where people feel safe taking risks, have clarity about their roles and feel empowered to make difference. She reminds us that the ability to be a courageous leader is linked to our capacity to be vulnerable. She gives some helpful guidelines for how to create containers of safety so that we can have tough conversations with each other that ultimately creates trusting and committed teams.

In the Category of Podcasts

The Daily: The New York Times hosted by Michael Barbaro

If you are looking for a way to catch up on the news in an in depth way this 20 minute daily podcast featuring New York Times reporters is for you.  It brilliantly fuses narrative storytelling with an emphasis on what is trending in the news. This podcast broadens my perspectives and challenges me to engage more deeply in the complexities of our world. Sometimes I am brought to tears and other times to anger, but always to a sense of the fragile beauty of humanity.

In the Category of Renewal

Contemplative Yoga Retreat

Every year I offer a retreat at the foothills of the Eagle Cap Wilderness in Wallowa Lake, Oregon. I introduce yoga, meditation, breath work, deep listening and journaling to help us discover our deep joy, wisdom and creativity.  The afternoons will be yours to explore the beauty of the Wallowa Mountains. Join me July 28 to August 1, at Wallowa Lake Camp for this all-inclusive retreat experience. You will leave feeling refreshed and more self-aware. This experience is a true gift to yourself.

In the category of Website

Beth Estock Coaching and Consulting

I am thrilled to share the creation of my new website that marks my continued commitment to excel as an executive coach and leadership consultant. Over the past two years I have worked toward my professional certification as an Integral Coach. This comprehensive coaching methodology continues to amaze me as I witness the outcomes of my clients who move from feeling stuck to excelling in both their personal and professional lives. My passion is working with high impact leaders in both the non-profit and for-profit worlds. Please check out my website and share it with others who might be interested in working with me.

Finding Our Quiet Center

There was a time in my life when I was afraid of silence. Then someone challenged me to a practice of sitting in silence for just 5 minutes a day. At the time I thought that I could add this practice to my morning commute. Instead of the listening to the radio, I would listen to myself.  I still remember the first time I turned off the radio in the car and came face to face with my deep fear.

“What happens if I spend dedicated time with myself and find out that I don’t like the person that is “me”?

I began to realize that I was a body in motion reacting to the needs of others — on projects, on care-giving, and on leading.   Focusing on others prevented me from knowing who I was or what I wanted. I had convinced myself that I did not have time to focus on myself. I was a professional woman with 2 small children.

However, in reality I had spent my life running away from my fears.  If I focused on myself I feared that I would come face to face with my unworthiness. As long as I stayed busy I could ran away from my shame and pretend that all was well. I thought that I could work my way into worthiness by focusing on others.

How many of us, if we took the time to be honest with ourselves, would discover a similar angst? How many of us have spent the majority of our lives putting out fires and caring for others in an attempt to run away from ourselves?

The Gifts of Deep Listening

The day I turned off the radio I began a journey of slowly listening to and honoring my thoughts and feelings. I began to look at my unhealthy patterns with curiosity and slowly let go of self-judgment. I came to know that my true self is born of love, joy, peace, patience, and kindness in the image of God. Stepping more fully into my gifts, I began to risk living out my dreams.  I began to say yes, to the “me” that was longing to be discovered. This did not happen overnight. Rather, it has been a journey with valleys of darkness as well as times of joy.

What I have discovered along the way is the more I am able to courageously look at my fears, the greater my capacity grows for resilience, confidence and wisdom. The more I attend to my own healing, the greater impact I have in my work and my relationships. Contemplative practices, in the form of meditation and yoga, have been key to embracing my sacred self.

Contemplative Yoga Retreat

This summer I am offering a contemplative yoga retreat for folks who want to take that next step in their own healing journeys. This sacred time will allow you to listen with the ear of your heart. This retreat will provide a safe place to settle into the wisdom of your body and allow your soul to come out and play. It will be a time for deep renewal as you discern those next steps in your life. If this sounds intriguing to you, I invite you to find out more about the retreat here.